I feel so useless, idle, and foolish not working. It is beyond my control though. I’m trying not to resent God’s kindness for letting me ‘rest’ but when I look at my life/situation through my own eyes instead of Christ’s, I am not resting at all. I get worried, anxious, frustrated, guilty, annoyed, and overthink everything. I have been pushy with my employer, contacting them on an almost every other day basis trying to get answers about a schedule and check, and still every time the on duty manager says “I will call you back” or “call back and talk to so&so” and then when I do, they aren’t there or available. It’s been two weeks since I last worked. Since then, I have applied at at least 10 other jobs. No word from any of them. I have done all I know to do. I do not see how I will be able to pay for rent, subway fare, my school payment, or phone bill if I keep looking through my own eyes. Give me your eyes and your faith, Jesus! I have seen too many financial miracles to think that God is going to leave me stranded and alone without help. A friend texted me yesterday and said “Did you know that God has a perfect plan for you? Lol! You are living in it right now!”. This rocked my world and changed my whole perspective. God is not against me. He is more for me than I am for myself. God wants to bless me and provide for me. Worrying about wether or not He will is pointless when the reality is that somehow, He WILL. He is faithful. He is truly good. I am completely loved and taken care of. Life is beautiful. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Obedience hurts and doesn’t make sense sometimes but it’s our job to obey, not provide an outcome.
I don’t like the term “falling in love.” When you fall, it’s a mistake that leaves you embarrassed or hurt or both. When you fall, you eventually get back up and they call the getting up “falling out of love” So I don’t want either. I want to grow in love instead. Loving you feels nothing like falling—it feels a lot more like blooming. The reaching of a flower for the sun; the reaching of my hand for yours.
WE ARE WATER WALKERS
AND KINGDOM PLAYERS
LORD LET YOUR KINGDOM COME YOUR WILL BE DONE
i just noticed gold dust allllll over my arms and hands. like A LOT. ive been packing for the past hour and a half!!! hahaha!!!!!! jesus!!! little confirmations like this just get me all giddy.
Last night, I dreamed that Sam Winchester from Supernatural and I were driving in a car. I was really scared because we had to go fight Satan bc it was like a game, there was no way of getting out of it. It was like it was the next level. While we’re in the car, Sam keeps looking over at me and reassuring me that “We can do this! it’ll all be okay!” because he could tell how scared I was. He then leaned over and gave me a peck kiss on the lips and that paired with his encouragement made me feel like ten times better. And I even said this out loud. I said, “Wow I don’t know what happened but that made me feel so much better about this but I do.” There was a huge wave of peace that washed over me after this. I don’t remember actually getting to where we were going to fight satan but it was so strange and a weird dream world that I have never been to before.
Anyway, so I woke up and just thought it was a funny dream because I don’t even watch that show really, I’ve only seen a few episodes. Literally like one minute after I woke up, my phone immediately started ringing and it was my school entrance counselor, Karen, on the phone just checking in and asking about my transcript and when I would be there, etc. I actually had answers for her!! haha!! After I get off the phone with her, I open up the computer and feel compelled to look up today’s Jesus Calling entry. I don’t even own this book yall. I had no clue why I was looking up the one for today, but holy spirit did.
This is what it said:
Trust Me, and don’t be afraid. I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust-muscles. You live in the midst of fierce spiritual battles, and fear is one of Satan’s favorite weapons. When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in Me. Speak out loud, if circumstances permit. Resist the devil in My Name, and he will slink away from you. Refresh yourself in My holy Presence. Speak or sing praises to Me, and My Face will shine radiantly upon you.
Remember that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Me. You have been judged NOT GUILTY for all eternity. Trust Me, and don’t be afraid; for I am your Strength, Song, and Salvation.
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.”
—Isaiah 12:2 -
After my dream last night, it literally made me laugh out loud at how ridiculous the enemy’s attempts to scare me are in this pivotal time of my life.